The Enormous Expectations I Put on Myself
Like most people in the world, when COVID happened along with stay-at-home recommendations, I decided to figure out what needed prioritizing in my life. This came around the same time that I switched medications to help myself sleep better at night. The first priorities that came to mind; keeping my house clean and organized, potty training my 2 year old, and keeping up some kind of physical fitness routine (I miss the gym!!).
I actually haven't done a bad job at keeping up with these things, but I think it cost me my sanity a few days ago. After peeing on the floor for the 5th time that day, I had to put my daughter to bed in a fit of rage for lack of a better phrase. Then after some reflecting, I realized the pressure I'm putting on myself to be a perfect parent is kind of tearing me apart.
Perfectionism is a battle you never really stop fighting.
Stopping once in a while to check yourself is sooo necessary. I know I've talked about this before, which should just drive home the point of how hard it actually is to remember to check yourself. Sometimes you don't know you need checking until you REALLY need it (guilty, over here).
I've been keeping a habit tracker. I drew some flowers and decided to color in the petals and leaves everyday, or not if I didn't complete my habits for the day. The daily habits I decided to track are taking medication, checking my email, going for a walk, doing something with yarn, going to bed at or before 11, and cleaning some part of the house. It sounds like a lot, but it's been working well for me. I'm also tracking my Instagram posts, but that's not a daily thing, more like a few times a week.
This habit tracking has been making me feel better and I've been recognizing the fact that I DO accomplish things everyday.
But back to this fit of rage I had...
I came to conclusion that I'm putting too much pressure on myself in the parenting department. I'm constantly thinking about what all the parenting books and blogs say to do, scared I'll cause my child some sort of trauma unwittingly if I don't follow these things to a T. I'm also putting to much pressure on my child. She was doing so well with potty training, then she'll have days where she just forgets everything and that REALLY irks me. I have tried everything. The fact that she's 2 years and 4 months old and still not talking is worrying, which exacerbates the fact that she's so far behind her peers. I'm taking all the worry and frustration out on her and myself and all the people around me. That CAN'T be healthy. Then, I'm angry at myself for not recognizing this sooner. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. This is what everyone has been talking about when they tell me how hard parenting is. Especially the toddler years. Now I get it and I recognize that I need to pay attention to my mental health even more, for the sake of my daughter. I want her to see me coping with stress in a healthy way, not slamming doors out of frustration. I can forgive myself for my slip-ups though, and I think that's the most important thing.